I’m searching…

Searching as I pace back and forth from my room, to the kitchen, to the hill, to my room again –
as I check Facebook, almost obsessively, and check my e-mail just as often

I think I’m searching for words,

But really I seek something different.
I’m looking for the familiar,
for the known,
for settled-ness
I’m searching for comfort.
I’m searching to know I’m capable, safe and loved.
I’m searching for…
me.

But what I’m finding is newness –
new house
new friends
new work
new kids
new music
new language.

Everything new and challenging
and I wonder if I can assimilate to it all?

Can I take it all in?
Can I adapt, change,
mutate into something that fits here –
a Gringa masquerading in the outfit of a conquistador.
Here to change the world,
be your best friend and confidant
to love and to save.

What have I found?
I’ve found that a besito can heal a wound,
trust can turn un loco into a gentleman,
teaching guitar isn’t the most important part of guitar lessons,
and taking your time brings many blessings.
I’ve found that despite all that’s new,
there is something familiar.

I’ve found me.

A gringa
struggling to speak and teach and love.
I’ve found that instead of changing the world,
I’m going to be changed by it.
I’ve found that my struggles, insecurities and questions
were packed in my suitcase.

I’ve found that I would love to be a mother,
and a Sister,
and a teacher,
and whatever else,
as long as I could show someone they are loved.

I’ve found that I haven’t learned it all and I never will.
I’ve found that I will change, adapt and grow in the face of challenge.
I’ve found that God will always be faithful
and goodbyes will always be hard.

I’ve found God in all those things above.

As a counselor,
A friend,
A confidant,
A source of strength,
as my Beloved.

But most importantly, I’ve found that there will always be love.